Something that really stood out to me was a part of the episode where she discussed self-esteem, and where you get it from. She said "there's nothing wrong with having it (self-esteem), but its how you get it. Do you get it from being better than other people? From being a narcissist, and being really ego defensive? Or do you get it from having to be perfect, or having to succeed? All of these things are bound to eventually lead to problems".

This really hit home for me, because I think a big part of my self-esteem came from doing things well, or succeeding. When I do something successfully, I feel like a great person. I am proud of myself. I am truly happy with myself. But when I do something wrong, or make a mistake? I dwell on it. I call myself stupid. I feel bad about myself.

I think it's a really eye opening thing to realize. It's so cliché, but would I judge a friend or loved one the same way I judge myself? Definitely not! But that doesn't stop me from having my self talk be conditional on my own successes or failures.

I don't know the fix for this, but I plan to dive deeper into Kristin's work about self-compassion, because I think it's a big part of my struggles with perfectionism.

- Alex

It's difficult to convince myself this, but it's okay that I am posting day 3 on what would have been day 4. Life isn't consistent. Things come up that prevent people from being able to stick to their plans. And that's okay.

At the end of the day, the reason I am doing this is to work through my mindset of perfectionism. I am not doing this to build the perfect blog. That would be counterintuitive.

So many times in my life, I've created what seemed like the best laid out plan, only for there to be a setback that led to me deviating from that plan. And when that happens, I struggle to get back onto it.

So here I am, trying to remind myself that deviations are a normal part of life. No matter how much planning I do, something will inevitably come up and disrupt it. And that's okay. What matters aren't the missed days. What matters is that I don't dwell on those missed days as some kind of failure. I haven't failed. If anything, I am showing resilience by posting again despite not keeping the promise I made to myself.

And that's the reminder that I want this entry to serve whenever I don't follow my plans to a tee.

It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to miss the target. It's okay.

"Maybe I could've come up with a better name, will people even know what 'deperfecting' means?"

"It looks too much like 'deprecating', will it confuse people?"

"What if I don't know what to write about?"

I remind myself that these questions are just regular perfectionist rumination. They are there because its trying to do what perfectionism's true purpose is - to give protection. Protecting me from feelings of inadequacy. Protecting me from being made fun of. Protecting me from the fear of not being good enough.

Usually, when I start asking myself these types of questions, I quit whatever I was doing. The paralysis of starting kicks in, and I push it off until I feel confident that everything is perfect. The name, the logo, the posting schedule.

But today, I remind myself that these questions are normal. They are part of who I am, and I should accept that my brain will ask them. And I will also remind myself that I don't need to let those questions dictate my actions. It might not be the perfect name, or the prettiest website, or the greatest post. But that doesnt matter. I am doing this for myself, and if I stay consistent in writing about these thoughts, I will be better at recognizing these questions and overcoming perfectionism.

- Alex

I've been a perfectionist as long as I can remember, but it's only recently that I've been able to name it as "perfectionism". Instead, the words I used were:

• Lazy

• Unmotivated

• Scattered

• Directionless

• Overthinking

And that's because I never felt like the traditional perfectionist. When I hear the word "perfectionist", I think of someone who is organized, high achieving, always completing their goals to a tee. That was never me. Sure, I had academic success growing up, and a promising start to my career since graduating University in 2022.

But within those successes are countless hours of scrolling Reddit, procrastinating getting started on a homework assignment. Or the thousands of dollars spent on home gym equipment, only to spend more time planning my workouts than actually doing them. Or the stress of not doing enough at work, knowing that I should get started but not taking action until I feel the pressure of a deadline. Or the electric drums I bought, but never learned. Or the desires to organize my kitchen, closet, or other part of the house that I'd been neglecting.

I attributed this to laziness, to not being motivated about accomplishing my goals. After years of thought, and some help from a therapist, I realize now that these challenges stem from perfectionism. I struggled to start tasks because I was scared of failure. Because unless I knew the pathway to finishing the task perfectly, task paralysis kicked in, and I would default to the quick reward of scrolling my phone.

So now I am here, writing this blog. It might be difficult, but I intend to write a post daily about my journey of deperfecting. And this is the first step. I don't know what I will write about tomorrow. It scares me, but I know it's just the perfectionism talking.

I am completely happy if I am the only person who ever reads these posts. I plan to treat it as a journal. But if others stumble upon this and read along, I hope it helps bring you along on your journey of deperfecting. And if you are an already-recovered ex-perfectionist, I'd love to learn about your journey to.

- Alex